Dave's Not-So-Official-But-Fairly-Decent Walkthrough
(NOTE: This walkthrough skips a lot of "low-point" bonus items that
can give you a maximum score. This walkthrough will NOT give you a
1,000 (maximum) score...find the bonus stuff yourself!)
SECOND NOTE: Despite all previous rumors, there is NOT a lesbian
survivalist-type character in this game by the name of Militia
1.} Well, when last we left our hero (Larry's a HERO?), he was having
a most interesting evening with Shamara Payne (Sham-Payne). This
game begins at the end of that evening...with Shamara (who you spent
HOURS trying to get to in LSL 6) dumping you and leaving you chained
to her bed...and indirectly starting the bed on fire. Oh,
GRRRREAAATTT...well, take the hair kit on the table on the right.
Then take the vice grips on the table on the left. Open your
inventory (right-click your mouse & choose Inventory), open the hair
weave kit, use the needle with the vice grips. Close the inventory
and use the bent needle on the handcuffs. Click on the patio glass
doors and choose the "Other" option to type in "Break." Ooh, not a
good paper cut (the second one, that is)...after a very silly jump to
the floor and an intro cut-scene, you'll wind up on a cruise ship in
front of the Purser's desk. Open your map (right click and choose
Map) and choose Cabin 0 (bottom porthole, furthest to right). Take
the toilet paper and the spray can that's attached to the toilet.
Open your map and go to the Proud L'il Seaman Lounge. Open your map
and choose the "Sexual Prowess Competition" (look through the pink
rectangular bunch o' rooms on the largest deck). Use the TMT card on
the machine on the left. A score of 2, huh? Gee, GREAT job,
2.} Well, open your map and go to the swimming pool. Talk to Dick
(no, I mean the lifeguard). When you get past him, talk to Drew
Baringmore (urrgh, another bad pun... as if Captain Thygh weren't bad
enough...) about her book (getting the book), clothing (how the plant
is placed conveniently on BOTH sides of your view is beyond me...),
"drink," then "Gigantic Erection." No, I'm serious. Now take the
magazine on the table on the right (you'll read a little of
it...something about the mother/daughter C&W act). Open the map and
choose the library (right next to the purser's desk). Take the green
book on the right shelf...it's about the famous inventor, Anton
Fokker (and it's by Drew). Now take the blue book on the left side,
bottom shelf, about Electromagnetism. Okay, now move the cursor up
the screen until it turns into a right-pointing arrow (indicating to
walk to the other side of the library). Click it to walk over there.
Talk to the librarian. Choose "Other" for a subject and type in
anything (something weird, maybe...like 'negative polarity' or
whatever). She'll turn around and start typing on the computer.
When she does, take the mucilage on the desk. Also take the book she
was reading (if you have time. If not, choose "Other" under the Talk
section again and give her another weird subject to look up...THEN
get the book). Open your inventory. Select "Prudish and Proud" (her
book) and remove the jacket. Use the Prudish and Proud cover with
the book you got from Drew ("The Erotic Adventures Of Hercules").
Close the inventory and say Goodbye to the librarian... who, by the
way, goes by the name of Victorian Principles (Sheesh, another bad
pun!) She'll take "her" book back. Walk out of the library to the
atrium, then walk back IN to the library. Note how the music &
lighting at the back changes? Walk around the corner again, and talk
to V.P. about the weather. Oh my. Fade to part three.
3.} Open your map and go back to the library. Go around to the
librarian's desk again and talk to her. Serious downer. Choose the
subjects "sex," "Prove it," then "Luvmaster 2000." After the
librarian beats the Luvmaster 2000 for you, open the map and go to
the swimming pool. Walk past Dick, and talk to Drew. Go through
every conversation topic. Great-you've got to find her suitcase,
huh? Open your map and go to the promenade deck. Open the fire hose
storage and take the fire hose. Walk over to the woman with the peg-
leg and eyepatch (you may have to roam around a bit to find her).
Talk to her about any subjects you feel like discussing, but
especially the pegleg and a cabin boy. Peggy is, without a doubt, my
favorite character on the entire ship. I must admit, juvenile or
not, I was laughing my butt off with the constant stream of "bleeps"
from this woman. When you finish, go to the "Employees Only" section
of the ship. Despite the guns, go push the door on the opposite end.
Take the red wire on the right side (jumper wire). Take the tube of
KZ Jelly. Read all the messages on the bulletin board. Look at the
lockers. NOW what? Go BACK to the promenade deck. Find Peggy and
talk to her about first the Break Room, then choose "Other," and type
in "Locker." Okay, open your map and go to the Break Room again.
Open the second locker from the left in the bottom row....
4.} Unnecessary steps (everything in #4 can be skipped, if you don't
mind sacrificing a few points): Type in ALMOST any three 2-digit
numbers. If you didn't pick the right combination, open the map and
go back to the promenade deck. Walk around a while-when you find
Peggy, talk to her about the combination. Naturally. Isn't that
combination what you GUESSED it might be? Then go back to the break
5.} Open the second locker from the left on the bottom row again.
Type in "38-24-36." Walk into the room (up & left-pointing arrow)
Talk to the guy sitting there, and go through all the available
topics. Also choose to buy the dirty pictures). Open the map and go
to the promenade deck. Find Peggy AGAIN and talk to her about this
guy (Xqwzts, I think his name is). Go through all topics. Open your
map and go back to the employee break room. Open the second locker
from the left (same combination: 38-24-36), and walk into the room.
Talk to the guy about all topics, including Travelling and the
passport. Go to the purser's desk. Talk to Peter Purser...choose
"Other" and type Passport. Open your inventory. Use the mucilage
with the dirty pictures, then use the sticky photo on the room
keycard. Close your inventory and use the photo ID on Peter. Open
your map and go back to the break room. Walk into the room behind
the lockers and talk to the guy again about the passport. Use the
passport on him-he'll vanish. Take the key he leaves behind on the
left (has a little gold skull on it to indicate a "skeleton key")
Open your map and go to the forward hold. Use the Custodial Key on
the door. After wandering a few seconds, a gorilla hits you with a
suitcase. It's Drew's...take it, then open your map and go to the
swimming pool. Talk to Dick, then talk to Drew about the suitcase.
You'll wind up in your room again. While Drew's showering (which
goes on forever if you don't do something), use the fire house on the
toilet, then flush the toilet. After you nearly drown and Drew
leaves, go anywhere else on the ship (the atrium's a safe spot), then
go BACK to your room. Notice the shower now has some mold in it.
6.} Go up to the horseshoes competition (look around; you'll find
it...). Walk to the right, onto the Poop Deck (no comment). Hmmm...
two blonds with big...hairdos. In the sauna pool. Wydoncha & Nailmi
Jugg (Now THAT one is BAAAAAAAD) Look at 'em, then go through all
conversation topics (the response to the "pickup line" HURTS!) Open
the map and go to the Heavin' Ho Restaurant. Talk to the meat
carver. Take the S'pork (the pig thing). Repeat until he leaves to
get more. Take the carving knife and the heat lamp while he's gone.
Open the map and go to the Proud L'il Seaman's Lounge. Walk to the
back (click the arrow on the bottom right of the screen). Talk to
Johnson (the guy in the window) about every topic. Choose Gigantic
Erection last. When he goes away to make that, exit the closeup
(click the "U-turn arrow" on the side of the screen) and click on the
door to the left of Johnson's window. See the blue bottle of
deoderant on the left? Use the silicone lubricant on it. Then push
the red button at the rear of the room on the shelves. Exit the
room, and look at the lighting truss that's come down from the
ceiling. Take the spotlight bulb. Use the heat lamp bulb on it (how
convenient-it fits). Then open your map and go somewhere else. Head
BACK to the lounge and...oh my again.
7.} Open your map and go back to the lounge. Click the arrow up the
wood steps on the right of the stage to go up to the stage, then take
the "clothing chase lights" that are on the right rail. Walk left
and pick up the remote control (it's the thing with the big red
button). Open the map and go to the El Replicant Sculpture Garden.
Look at the foot of the Venus DeMilo. Take dice from the toe,
destroying the statue. Walk out (down) into the Atrium, then back
the way you came into the Sculpture Garden. Climb the scaffolding
(click the "up" arrow on one of the ladders) and take the
screwdriver. Use the chase lights on the iron spike sticking down
from the ceiling. Click the down arrow to go back down, then open
the inventory. Turn on the remote control. Close the inventory.
Open your map and go to the horseshoe competition. Use the TMT card
on the centaur's rear end (no comment). Open your inventory and Turn
On the remote control. Close your inventory, then play horseshoes.
Take the TMT card back from the centaur's butt (ewwww...) Open your
map and go to the Heavin' Ho restaurant. Go to the left side of the
table and look for the bowl of bean dip. Eat the bean dip three
times (three guesses why...) then open your map and go to the Pair O'
Dice casino. Walk up to the craps table (full of James Bond clones).
Click on yourself and choose the "Fart" option). Ah-ha. So much for
the competition. Click Play on the craps table twice. Then open
your inventory and use the toilet paper on the souvenier (darker
colored) dice. Close your inventory and use the dice on the table.
You'll play craps, win the competition, and wind up in yet another
woman's room...playing "Strip Liar's Dice." And this woman's name?
Dewmi Moore. Urrrrghhh...WHY, AL? WHY?
8.} This is my least favorite part of the game. Save the game
(remember the old LSL method of winning gambling games...save, if you
win, save again...and if you lose, restore? Well, you can't restore
in this game, but same idea...quit, then start again, restoring your
just saved game). Click on the Rules button to learn how to play.
This is a game of bluffing skill and careful betting (and the game
tends to cheat a bit). However, to minimize your chances of losing,
by pressing Ctrl-C on your keyboard, you can also see what's in
Dewmi's cup. Just remember...the "bullseyes" are Wild Cards and can
equal ANY other die-face needed. So when counting how many are in
both cups, be sure to count bullseyes as WHATEVER number is being bet
on). Every time somebody loses a round, they lose either $100, a
piece of clothing, or a die. This game is an official pain in the
butt...especially since in order to win, not only do you have to get
all Dewmi's money, plus her shoe, blouse, skirt, TWO earrings,
panties (with the cleverly positioned drink disguising that) AND all
of her dice before you win (she drugs you, so she never does get to
taking the bra off). Neat "drug sequence," though...Iron Butterfly
and dancing condoms. Uhhhh...yeah. Open your map and go to the
kitchen. Take the fish wrapped in the magazine. Take the pot, then
the salt. Open your inventory and read the magazine. Close your
inventory, open the map, and go to the Lower Aft Hold. Use the
custodial key to open the door, then use the pot on a beaver to get
Venezuelan Beaver Milk. Open the map and go to teh Proud Li'l
Seaman's Lounge. Talk to Johnson and ask about Lime Juice. Open the
map and go to the Fo'c's'le (Forecastle, vastly shortened). Take the
kumquats off the sheep-tree. Open your map and go back to the
9.} Use the beaver milk on the Cheesemaster 2000. Open inventory
and use the kumquats on the cheese. Open the map and go to Cabin
510. Take the orgasmic powder (on the table in the rear left of the
room). Open inventory and use the powder on the quiche. Close your
inventory, open your map and go to the Cook-Off competition. Use the
quiche on the conveyor belt. Open your map and go to the bridge.
Use the screwdriver on the junction box, then use the jumper wire on
the junction box. Click the U-turn button. Click the up arrow on
the ladder next to you. When the sail unfurls, choose the Look
option for the sail. Use the knife on the sail. After the night
passes and you fall out, open your map and go to Captain Queeg's
Ballroom. Go through the door with the Neptune (or Poseidon,
whatever) statue. Talk to the "Beautiful Woman" at the drawing
table. This one's name? Jamie Lee Coitus. I think I'm going to
hurt the game designers. Go through all topics, and when you're
done, give her the polyester (from the sail). Now open your map and
choose Captain Queeg's Ballroom again. Click "Open" on the LEFT door
(the one with the Exit sign over it). After THAT'S over with, open
your map and go to the Best Dressed Competition. Unzip the
mannequin's fly. After you win that contest, go to the Employees
Only area and go into the room behind the lockers. Use the
screwdriver on the vent. When everything goes black, sweep the
cursor to the right, halfway down the screen. Click every once in a
while until you find "You." Choose the Undress option. Take the
handkerchief that's left. Open your inventory and use the KZ jelly
on the hankie. Close the inventory, open your map, and go to the aft
10.} Open the door of the hopper. Use the deoderant on the bowling
pins. Open the map and go to the bowling competition area. Use the
TMT scorecard on the walrus (eww, disgusting!) Take the bowling
ball. Open inventory, and use the Treated Handkerchief on the
bowling ball. Close your inventory, then click Play on the bowling
lane. After you win THIS one, open you map and go to the Heavin' Ho
Restaurant. There's a door in the back of the room (a WAAAAAYYYs
back) and go through. Look at the table and chairs...be sure to look
at the leftmost chair on the side of the table that's closest to the
screen. Take the folded paper, open inventory, then look at it. Now
you find out the mystery woman's name...Anette Boning. (ARRRRRGH!!!)
Close your inventory. Open your map and go to the purser's desk.
Talk to Peter Purser about Annette Boning. Walk over to the courtesy
phone and choose the Call option on it...ask for Boning. After
that's over, talk to Peter about your account. Then look at the
phone on Peter's desk (may have to do it twice, if you do it too fast
the first time) When you get the closeup of the phone, push the red
LND button (Last Number Dialed). Then open the map and go to the
Owner's Suite (new location on second-from-upper deck. Open the
door. Walk over to the bed and click on yourself. Choose the
Undress button. Oh...BLECCH!
11.} Open your map and go back to the owner's suite. Push the red
button by the door. Talk to Annette about all available topics.
When finished (and you realize you're thinking about completely
different things than she is), use the insurance policy on her. You
wind up with a stock certificate. Open your map and go to the
Captain's Quarters. Click on the door, choose Other, and type
"Knock." After the cut-scene, talk to the captain about every
available topic. Then use the stock certificate on her to win the
game...or do you? After all, she winds up with the same thing
(putting handcuffs on you, just like Shamara did at the beginning).
Be sure to watch all the way through the credits, because at the end,
the entire cruise ship gets abducted by aliens. No. Seriously. And
you get an advertisement for the 1998 installment, "Leisure Suit
Larry Explores Uranus." You've GOT to be kidding me. I hope.
(Actually, earlier in the game, if you click on the unavailable decks
in the Atrium, you get the message "These decks will be used in
Leisure Suit Larry 8: Lust In Space," so maybe they really ARE going
to go in that direction...but this SCARES me.) For now...GAME OVER,