Zork Grand Inquisitor
By Mark Curtis
**Indicates not necessary, but fun to do anyway.
""Indicates quotes from the game, and how sad it is that I know them without
replaying the game.
After the propaganda opening, turn around and go toward the Monastery (not the
blue glowing area, nor the well). If this place looks oddly like the Monastery
from Nemesis, that's because it is. Go over to the large sign totaling up the
number of totemizations and grab the rope. Go back down toward the beginning and
then to the blue glowing area (Port Foozle).
Go over to the controls for the speakers (to the left of where you first enter),
turn it up to THAT'S THE SPIRIT. Wait for "Would somebody turn that damn speaker
down ..." Right next to the controls, in the icebox, pick up the six-pack (well,
one-pack) containing a can of Mead Light and the plastic things that keep them
together. Go over to the dock and face the crane.
**Put the rope on the hook and lower it.
Put the plastic thing on the hook and lower it. "Plastic ACK stuck around
neck ..." Take the lantern over to the pawnshop (the place behind you). Have the
lantern in your hand and knock on door "Holy Hungus!" Grab a cigar that he
heisted off the Inquisition. "Well I know a guy, who knows a guy ..." Go all the
way down to the end of Port Foozle, where the Inquisitor dolls are. Use the
lighting cigar on the doll and hide in the barrel to the left of it,
quickly. "Oh, you're supposed to smoke it ..." Go back into Jack's place and get
the lantern. Leave Port Foozle, go to Elsewhere, which is the well. Use the rope
on the well, go down the well, and if you're playing on CD, switch discs.
Once at the bottom of the well look around for the pipe, or at least the arrow
that lets you look down. Get the token, naturally in a bucket at the bottom of a
well. Face the door and open your spellbook, use REZROV. Go in and down, turn
right and look to your right, and you will see a glass case, with In Case of
Adventure Break Glass, above it. Open the case, take the hammer, close the case,
then break the case with the hammer and take the map and sword.
**Use IGRAM on the umbrella tree.
Go in the direction opposite the tree and look to the left of the path on the
ground. You should see a totem, like a small rock. Pick it up and listen to
Griff's talk of the posse or rather phalanx that attacked him. Keep going
until at the crossroads, go left until "the rank undergrowth prevents eastward
Dungeon Master's Lair
Use your sword on the vegetation, go forward to the oddly familiar area. Look to
the right, find the shed and look inside, take the magic scroll (THROCK) and the
shovel. Keep going down the path to the DM's House.
**Use THROCK on snapdragon.
**Talk to the front door, try spells.
Go around the house to the right side and find the teleporter (looks like an old
phonograph). Use your map and go back to the crossroads.
Turn left and at the crossing, turn right. You should be facing the entrance to
G.U.E. Tech; the words "In Magic We Trust" should be on the door. Use REZROV to
open the door.
**Use THROCK on the grass (but save before doing so).
Upon entering, go to the first pillar on the left. It seems easiest to start
the bottom and work upward to match up the pillars, but for a more detailed
explanation of the solution: Spin the bottom one until the picture with some
flame and a rock wall appear, then spin the bottom until some more flames and a
forest with a mountain in the background. Then the top with the picture of the
volcano top. For the second pillar, forward on the right, spin the bottom until
the shadow is on the right. The middle second has its shadow on the right and is
four-sided (though only two are visible). The top section is the one with a Z at
the top. Proceed to the final, and most abstract, pillar. Spin the bottom one
until the brick side comes to view. The middle should be the view out the window
and to the sea. The top is the moldy-vegetation view. Together they create a
window to enter G.U.E. Tech. Look around the lovely area and get ready to ...
leave. Turn around and exit via the large double doors. Turn around and you'll
see that it exists in the Ethereal Plains of Atrii, a place shared by
sorcerers, "snack cakes, former child stars, and people who own ferrets." Go to
the right of the fountain to the free dirt and use the shovel to dig into it and
get the spell KENDALL. Head to the teleportation station on the other side of
fountain and head toward the crossroads.
Once teleported, turn right and use the subway token in the slot and go to the
underground underground. Head to the map on the wall. "Take the red line east to
the yellow line ..." I hope you don't think you have to do that! Use KENDALL on
the map and select a destination. We'll first go to Hades.
Go over to the skeleton and get the ticket from his left hand. Put the ticket
play, you may want to save. From the starting position, go up, left, up, up,
left, up, left, left, down, left, left, down, left, down, down, right, down,
down, right, right, up, right, up, up, left, and finally up. "Cha-ching, 500
Zorkmids." You can go towards the entrance to Hades and face the teleporter to
mark it on the map, thought it's not necessary. Either way, go to the Monastery.
The only real reason to be here is just to teleport out, so do so and teleport
back to G.U.E. Tech.
Go in through the window of the pillar again.
**Read the notes on the wall to the left of the entrance.
Once inside, go to the left towards the vending machines. "Snacks sweet
snacks ..." Turn your 500ZM Bill into coins using the change machine. 500 is
plenty for the rest of the game, and it is easily accessible using F9. Turn left
to the ice cream machine (the one with three options). Use a Zorkmid and get a
sandwich. "Look, it's an ice cream bar." The scroll Obidil can't be gnustoed
because it's soggy, though it'll be fixed later. Go to the candy machine (the
with 12 options). Pay a Zorkmid and get the 11th option, "... I hate it when
happens." Listen for a distant creak, then leave the snack area and go to the
right to the entrance (but not in) the Infinite Corridor, look up (if you can't
that's because you're in it). Cast IGRAM on Infinite.
**Cast IGRAM on just corridor.
**Cast IGRAM on both.
Go in the hallway before it wears off. Go to the end of the hallway and turn
right, to the lockers. The third one in the third row should be open. Third one,
third row, just like where 11 was in the selections ... Get the Prozork tablet
and read Better Spell Manufacturing. If the instructions are too confusing, just
use KENDALL. Go to each of the hallways and listen to what happened to the three
magic relics. Go back to the snack area and buy #8, Zork Rocks. Look down at the
bottom of the vending machine and attach the Perma-Suck machine. "Just where
you keeping that?" Place the Zork Rocks in the soda machine, which is the only
machine you haven't been to yet. Pay once more and get Blam Classic. Quickly
the Zork Rocks and go back to the lockers. Wait ... wait ... Once the locker is
open, take the ID card and proceed to the large door. Use the card on the
to the left of the door. Once in the Spell Lab, take your sword's advice of
danger and teleport out of there using the teleporter to the right. Go to the
Monastery (or Hades) and ride to Flood Control Dam #3.
Meanwhile back at the Inquisition ...
Flood Control Dam #3
When backing up from the platform, look to the right at the souvenir device.
Place a Zorkmid in the circle, get the letter opener. Look on the left side for
the pipe and the green stuff at the bottom, which is Moss of Mareilon. Use
on the moss to make more of it. Then get the increased amount. Go toward the
controls for the dam under the window. Look to the left at the book, get
**Use GOLGATEM over the Frigid River.
Open and close the gates so that three are open. Use REZROV to open the fourth.
Then use the first two or last two buttons to close all four. "Well, whatever
Meanwhile back at the Inquisition ...
Get back to the Spell Lab whether by walking, subway, teleportation, or any way
shape or form.
Turn and go forward to face the Six-Armed Invisible Bridge Guy.
**Just use anything in the inventory, but be wary of using the sword.
Use your sword on the edge of the screen, the rope of the bridge. Use GOLGATEM.
Look to the left before any of the machines to find the box of BEBURTT scroll
sheets. Take one and follow the directions from Better Spell Manufacturing.
First, Origination; when facing the Spell Checker, it's the second on the left.
Then Modification, which is second on the right. Third is Replication, located
first on the right. Next is Interpretation, third on the left. Finally
Transmogrification, first on the left. Elucidation isn't used at all, oh well.
Finally, the Spell Checker, the machine at the far end. First use the BEBURTT
spell to imbue it, next use the OBIDIL scroll found in the ice cream bar. "Spell
named OBIDIL is soggy ..." (and mispronounced, though perhaps pronounced
correctly given its effect). Use the teleporter to go back to the crossroads.
Go back to the umbrella tree located by the In Case of Adventure Break Glass
where the map, sword, and hammer were. Use BEBURTT on the tree. "Look--it's
fall." Get the ZIMDOR scroll and head back to the Dungeon Master's Lair.
Dungeon Master's Lair
Use the Prozork tablet on the snapdragon, then cut him off using the sword. Go
the side of the house with the teleporter but face the house and go forward. Use
THROCK on the mushroom. Put the snapdragon on the mushroom and hit it with the
hammer. Take the backward half-scroll and go to the front door of the house. Use
ZEMDOR on the Mead Light either before or after pouring it into the birdbath to
the right of Harry. Put the self-lighting cigar in the ashtray to the left of
Harry. Once inside, listen to the phone messages using the middle bulb. Back up
and look to the left at the bookcase. Look to the right side of it on the stump,
and you'll see some Flatheadia Fudge; take it. Above the fudge there is some
hungus lard and a jar of hotbugs; take them too. Turn toward the door to leave,
but go towards the red plant on the upper left side of the door. Take the red
plant cup, and leave the house to face the quelbees. Turn around and face the
house, then go toward the quelbees and their "very delicate olfactory senses."
This one takes a bit of quickness to it, but not much. Take the hungus lard and
plug up the hive. "They're not going to like that." Then quickly remove the
cut the hive open with your sword, take the honey and go back to the house,
Turn to the base of the plant (the left corner of the room if you're facing to
leave the house). "It slices, it dices ..." Take the Moss of Mareilon,
Fudge, Hungus Lard, Hotbugs, and quelbee honeycomb and use them all on the chia
processor. Get YASTARD.
**Eat the cup.
Look where the answering machine is and look outside through the blinds toward
the walking castle. Use OBIDIL on the castle. "This is pretty gross." Look up at
the heart and take the scroll of NARWILE. Turn around and leave, go to the other
blue room, the DM's bedroom. Look at the window above the side of the bed. Take
the other half of the scroll sitting on the left ledge. Look at then go through
the mirror to the secret mirror room "... where I would take lusty nymphs for
trysts ..." Put either half of the scroll in your Frobozz Magic Viewer #41-22-e,
then put the other half on top. Leave the mirror room and go to the dresser in
the DM's room. Open the main doors and use NARWILE on the time tunnel.
**Use YASTARD on the lantern of Dalboz.
Use YASTARD on Griff's totem.
The White House
If you don't recognize where you are, you shouldn't be playing ...
Go to the right side of the house, turn to face it, and get the GLORF spell. Go
back to the mailbox, open it, and take the envelope out. Combine the envelope
GLORF spell using the Frobozz Magic Viewer #44-22-e. Put the letter inside the
mailbox, close it, and put up the flag. Go back to the time tunnel and back to
the Dungeon Master's Lair.
Dungeon Master's Lair
Leave the house and teleport to the Spell Lab.
Use the spell checker on the torn spell and receive SNAVIG. Teleport to Hades,
teleport to the Monastery, then ride to Hades.
Use the red phone to call for Charon; you can do this one of two ways. Either
figure out how to operate the phone and answer the questions. The way to do this
is by dialing 82895. The other way to do this is use KENDALL on the * key, to
change it to "what is all this? I just want to call the damn shuttle, is that so
much to ask?" Once Charon appears, give him two Zorkmids, one at a time. Be
across the River Styx. Go to the gates and get your mail; open it with the
opener souvenir. Receive GLORF then meet up with the "Basic Two-Headed Guardian
of Hades Type Creature." Listen to its rant pointing suggestions at other
adventure games "... red pages, blue pages ..."
Go back to Charon and cast SNAVIG. Go back over to Basic Two-Headed Guardian of
Hades Type Creature, and when you punch out make sure to check out as Charon.
Once beyond the gates, turn and look for the another totem. Once you find Brog,
on your left, take note of the cave that's a "... good place to hide." Open the
time tunnel with NARWILE and use YASTARD to send Griff into the tunnel.
Back on Disc 1
Once on the nice little archipelago, look to the left and fly over to the other
foot. Pull the rightmost toe. Fly over to the stomach, then left to the hand and
get the air pump. Go back to the stomach and look through the rubble for the
inflatable raft and Captain, take them. Fly to the head and put the raft in one
nostril and the captain in the other. Inflate them both, then go inside the
Watchdragon's mouth. Go to the Uvula (the hanging-down thingie in the back of
mouth) and get the Coconut of Quendor. Yes, that guy trying to make the pina
colada that is "short on ingredients" is Sneffle. Just take the rope, and tie it
to a tooth on the right. Once he falls, take the rope and the golden tooth. Put
the Coconut of Quendor in the raft and head back outside the Watchdragon's
Once outside, tie the raft and captain together with the rope. Head back inside
**Click on the Captain a couple of times.
Use the tooth to pop the Captain, and hurry out of the mouth. "Ah, that was
easy ..." Turn around, go toward the raft, and pick up the Coconut. Put the
Coconut of Quendor on the red pillow closer to the right. Then leave through the
Back on Disc 2
Go back over to the Basic Two-Headed Guardian of Hades Type Creature. Cast
on him and go over to Charon and ride back over the River Styx. Use the
teleporter and go to the Dungeon Master's Lair
Dungeon Master's Lair
Go to the time tunnel, and this time send Brog to the White House.
The White House
Turn around and pick up the Flickering Torch (the one on the right). Go to the
front door and take off the "boards hurting house." Once inside ... ooh,
grues ... Go down and get the grue eggs located in the little nest. Turn right
and eat some of the rocks. Go back up the stairs. Go to the little stove on the
floor next to the door. Use the flickering torch to start a fire and boil at
least one of the grue eggs, more if you make a mistake on the next part. Aim for
the closest stalactite and throw a boiled grue egg. Jump across the canyon to
puzzle holding the Skull of Yoruk. Bash it with the stick and take the skull.
the skull in its "nice home" on the left, then leave.
Meanwhile, back at the Inquisition ...
Use the teleporter to head back to the Crossroads.
Go back to the beginning, all the way back to the bottom of well. Look up at the
rope used to come down in the first place. Cast GLORF on the rope, making sure
cast the spell and not go up. Go back to the Monastery either by the Underground
Underground or through the teleporter.
Look at the puddle on the left, then look up. "Well, that's just great ..."
Combine your sword and the rope for the "little tougher to market" invention.
the new item to go up the grate. You should recognize where you are. Go to the
control on the right side and select the Hall of Inquisition. Go left then
forward at the right to the three-wheeled controls. Turn the third and first
ones. Go and pull the switch. Turn around to the bin that you just came from and
take the Lucy totem. Learn some history at the exhibits. Before viewing
the "Closing the Time Tunnels," pull the switch all the way down. Go through the
door at the other end and hit the red button to the left to open up the ZT&T
communication device. Take the middle hammer, and attach it to the robot in
Closing the Time Tunnels. Have the robot hammer away once again, opening the
time tunnel. Cast NARWILE and send Lucy through the time tunnel.
Back on Disc 1
Go to the Gambling Hall, where it's ladies' night.
**Read the minds of the bartender and Floyd.
Go toward the bartender and turn around to play Alpine's Quandary. Back up, go
forward and turn to the right, go toward the dartboard. While the fly is buzzing
around, hit it with the 4 card. Since it is now a 5, Alpine's Quandary can be
putting the cards in the order of 5, 1, 2, 3 (or 3, 2). Time to play Grue, Fire,
Water. Read Jack's mind and continuously beat him; if he thinks grue, choose
fire; if he thinks fire, choose water; if he thinks water, choose grue.
he's not so direct in his thoughts, but Lucy is wearing enough to lose a few
times. After losing five times, he'll give you the Cube of Foundation. Put the
cube in the last remaining place and leave.
Listen to the music; you're installing the game ... wait ... no. Bother Jack by
shaking the vent a number of times until he gives you something to "blow your
nose on." Use the letter opener on the screws of the grate to take it off, and
take the LEXDOM scroll. Turn around and take the notice of the totemization. Put
the notice under the door, cast LEXDOM on the door, push the key out using the
letter opener, and pull the notice to get the key. Use the key on the door and
leave to the left. Go to the door control with the camera views. Change 23BA to
31AB and hit the button.
Cast the BOOZNIK spell on the spell book. Go back inside the castle and get the
three artifacts. Go to the tent where the guards are. Cast VORZER on the tent.
to the electricity buzzing and cast MARGI, look to the left, and unplug the
Use the sword to cut the gate and look at the "handy little nook" at the bottom
of the tower. Lift the lid and put the Skull of Yoruk in it. Go up the tower to
the "big cube-shaped hole" and put the Cube of Foundation in it. Continue up to
the top of the tower, put the Coconut of Quendor in the one cup area, and put
Dalboz in the other. Look up and cut the cable with the sword. Once Jack points
out that you're "not the cable guy," quickly cast MAXOV.